Thursday, May 17, 2012

Latest Happenings in My Crazy World

Oh my gosh...I'm a terrible blogger. Life has been so crazy this past year--with school especially. It's totally sucked up all of my time and energy. I'm nearing the end (few weeks left) of the first quarter of my MSW program at CSUSB and I'm dying a little bit inside because I wish my life were different.

I'm so tired of being stuck--or feeling stuck. I want my life to start already...I'm probably just being impatient but I don't know if I can mentally handle 2 more years living with family. It's not my family that's driving me insane, it's my own need to have space and to have my own house. I desperately want my own kitchen and the freedom to decorate as I wish. I'm trying so hard not to come across as ungrateful because the invitation to live here has helped me tremendously with school and saving money when I can, especially with the cost of school, my car, and gas. I'm just having a difficult time adjusting to the fact that I can't have a house or live my own life until I'm finished with school (2 yrs. from now) and have an awesome job with benefits. 

Then there are my student loans...

It's never ending. 

And I tell myself that it's not going to be like this forever. It's just for the time-being. But it only numbs the eagerness, despair, and anxiety for a short time. Then once again, I'm beating myself up about choosing to go back to school. But in reality and in the long run, it's the only way I will ever break away from welfare--which my family has lived our entire life on. 

I just want to do everything in my power to do well for my husband and I. And someday, I want to be able to buy a house and to be able to give my family things they have always wanted and could never have. Just little things.

It helps to just get it all out sometimes. 

When I write, I can say everything--without judgement or interruption. I'm sure I'll get out of the slump I'm in soon enough. But it always re-visits me.

Thanks for listening. 

For the time-being...and the next 2 years, I'll continue to spend most of my time on the computer, writing, reading, and working on long as I can pay for it. 

Don't even get me started on the issue of student loans and grants that may not be available to grad students in next year or so.  

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